Arsenal’s defender Stephan Lichtsteiner

    Arsenal’s Switzerland defender Stephan Lichtsteiner, 34, has rubbished reports of retirement and claims he has the body of a 28-year-old and that body belongs to

    his girlfriend, Brazilian porn star Fifi La Bumba. Lichtsteiner has made one substitute appearance since joining the Gunners from Juventus in June.

    German side 1860 Munich has released a special kit, complete with leather-look lederhosen-style shorts, to celebrate the city’s annual Oktoberfest beer festival.

    For all October matches, their women’s team will complement the lederhosen by playing in a low cut version of the traditional dirndl and a special push-up sporting bra.

    Ex-Arsenal striker Ian Wright says Tottenham Hotspur’s 2-1 home loss to Liverpool on 15th September was their “worst performance” under manager Mauricio Pochettino. He raised further controversy by saying “Tottenham have always been shit and always will be.”

    LA Galaxy striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored his 500th career goal with an amazing spinning back heel volley in his side’s 5-3 defeat by Toronto FC. Swedish forward Ibrahimovic, 36, said he was “happy for Toronto because they’ll be remembered as my 500th victim but let’s face it even 60-year-old Alan Shearer could score goals in this shit league”.

    Tesapara, the stray dog who became the coach’s assistant at Paraguayan second-tier side Club Sporting 2 de Mayohas started legal action for sexual harassment against former head coach Carlos Saguier. The law suit will include claims that he regularly called her his “bitch”.

    Peter Crouch, 37 year old Stoke City striker has admitted that his famous robot celebration is copied from hapless Prime Minister Theresa “Maybot” May’s dance moves which he witnessed when he accidently gatecrashed a Young Conservatives cheese and wine party in 1998.

    Aston Villa Ladies put a brave face on their 12-0 home defeat by Manchester United Women on 9th September. A Villa spokeswoman explained “it was a close 12-0 so we’re not worried and besides we’re ladies while they are just a bunch of slags.”