How Sepp Blatter was caught funding terrorist organisations
You know you’re heading for the cliff when Sepp Blatter is giving you financial advice. Or, at the very least, expressing financial concern for your company. In this case, it’s FIFA. It would be like Donald Trump offering sentiment with regards to staving off bankruptcy. Hasn’t he done it some eleven times? Or is it twelve? One might want to mull over it with a nice Trump steak or a glass of Trump vodka.
Blatter recently gave a statement, citing several attendance droppings across Europe, that football is becoming less and less accessible to the everyday man and woman. As little credit as one may wish to give Blatter, he is, whether he realizes it or not, is speaking on sports as a whole. On the whole, nobody’s interested in keeping prices the same or, God forbid because of capitalism, lowering them.
Such a reality is taking a toll on the ex-president of FIFA, and the recent allegations against him are showing. The man who is no stranger to controversy (the 2001 thing, the 2012 thing, the 2015 thing, the Hope Solo thing,) found himself with a Tac Squad at his door over the weekend after a strenuous eleven-hour investigation into his connection to a right-wing terrorist group out of The United States.
Investigation began after a homeless heroin addict, Bobby Bumwhistle, walked into the local police precinct and gave a statement to the officer at the front desk. His words were swift and without question, action was required.
“I, uh…uh, I told the officer that I had witnessed Sepp Blatter walking into a massage parlour with a man in a ski mask and a swastika armband,” Bumwhistle said. “I immediately recognised Mr. umm, umm, what’s his name? Where am I?”
Officer Longrod gave a statement to LoonyNews, saying that a search revealed numerous amounts of automatic weapons and ammunition, explosive projectiles, and water balloons.
“I won’t dare to think what would have happened if Mr Bumwhistle had not done his civic duty and ratted on his fellow man. Men like him make me proud to stroke the long d**k of the law,” Longrod said.
Blatter was hauled out from his home and was thrown into the front yard, his body covered in what the arresting officers describe as grape jelly. “Yeah, there were marshmallows stuck to his nipples,” one officer said. “You won’t find strippers that sticky,” another officer said.
It didn’t take long for the once-great FIFA president to squeal like a pig down at the station. An inside source revealed that the man took a sip of water, a bite of a doughnut and said he was more than happy to assist in the investigation in any way possible. In a manoeuvre of reverse psychology, the man said he had gotten involved with the terrorist organization just so he could be caught and be forced to atone for his years of debauchery.
All we know for sure at this point is what has been laid out before you, and that Sepp Blatter has gone into hiding as a cooperating witness in an ongoing international investigation.