Lionel Messi: MR. 600 OR 666?
Liverpool, a great city of England, famous for their growth during the Industrial Revolution, The Beatles, and being the most Catholic city in the aforementioned country. But now, thanks to their football club, they will go down in history as the team which allowed Lionel Mother Fu—in’ Messi to score his 599th and 600th career goals. One might say that he was…possessed, reaching the landmark just days after his greatest rival, Ronaldo.
It took Messi 683 matches to score 600 goals as opposed to Ronaldo’s 803 matches
This historic number 600 came last Wednesday, May the first. Ultimately, Liverpool FC would lose the match as well. If only sports were just sports though; reports of assault and suicide and genital mutilation skyrocketed following the defeat. But it was not the defeat, however, that caused such savagery and disgust and self-imposed isolation from the rest of the great country. Nope, it was Messi and Messi alone.
Ridden with guilt, struck by the cataclysmic effects of his historic moment, Messi sat in the locker room for hours following the victory. A supposed uncovered tape, still in the process of being acquired by LN, is rumored to show Messi attacking a news reporter for asking him about the goal. The man just became unhinged.
“It’s just a f—-ing goal!” Messi screamed before lunging at the man, fellow reporters say. Luckily, through security and the entirely of Lionel’s team, he was unable to bring any physical harm to the reporter just trying to do his job.
Following the attempted assault, the entire Liverpool FC, fed up with Lionel’s selfish ways and violent behavior, left him alone to stew in his own pot of misery. And so, he did…
That is, until 3:00 in the morning. Yes, The Devil’s hour.
It was then, according to security guards and maintenance men present in the venue, that Messi rose from his chair and stalked out. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t change clothes, he didn’t even check his flop sweat, he just walked out from the room and down the hallway, across the pitch and out into the parking lot. Surprisingly he wasn’t knifed by enraged fans.
And so, he walked, and walked, and walked some more, perhaps the man would walk 500 miles. Entire legions of fans stopped their heinous behavior and noted that Messi appeared possessed; “the man was unblinking,” one woman said. “He was there, but he wasn’t,” a man said. Even the local priest, caught in a mosh pit of cheap vodka and marijuana, stopped his debauchery to say a prayer as the player walked by.
“I mean, I know we’re all going to hell,” the Priest said, “but I swear…Messi was already there.”
When Messi, according to the policemen themselves, walked past, they were instantly frozen in fear. They tyrants LN that they just no longer felt as if they had free reign to beat the innocent and strip the common man of rights, humanity, and dignity, like they’d been allowed for so many years.
“In a flash, I suddenly knew what it felt like to be the inferior being,” Officer Hammett said. “All those women and children I’ve beaten with my baton, all the evidence I planted for the pay raises, I suddenly felt the weight of it all. The other officer, Officer Thomas, was unable to give a statement due to issues involving uncontrollable…anal seepage.
But that is not all. Officer Hammett said that when turned around to face the awe-inspiring beauty of who he believed to be the Dark Lord himself, that Messi was gone.
“Where did he go and who has taken his place?”