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    (UN)CRISTIANO RONALDO – See what happens to him when he realizes that Messi is FASTER than him

    As the football world is aware, last week against Liverpool, Lionel Messi scored his 600th goal with Barcelona, and one must say that he scored it with style.

    Also, what most of the football world knows, is that he did so much faster than his main rival Cristiano Ronaldo – this just isn’t sitting well with the Juventus superstar.

    If you want to know more about Messi’s 600th goal you can read more here

    Not even his (Ronaldo’s) late, match-tying goal against Torino last Friday was enough for the Portuguese stud.  Not even close, according to his behavior following the war on the pitch.  From the fans to the match staff to the drunkards looking for their vehicles following the competition, Ronaldo made it impossible to hide that something was wrong.

    “Watching him on the field, walking back to the locker room, I called my therapist and asked if he had any openings,” Cheyenne Nichols, a fan, said in a statement.  “I’ve been on anti-psychotics for thirteen years and he looked worse than I do without my meds!”

    One of the referees, who wished to remain anonymous, also carried words of concern as Ms. Nichols had.  The only thing is that they were a bit more extreme.  The referee stated that several times throughout the match Ronaldo passed him and “stunk of death…”

    “Not like sweat or dirt or from-under-cheese,” the anonymous ref would continue, “but like decaying meat.  And I would know, I grew up in and out of a chain of slaughterhouses that my father owned and worked at.  I also met my wife there.”  Our source refused to reveal whether his wife was a slaughtered animal or not.

    LoonyNews caught up with Alexis Cooter in the parking lot after the match and she too, albeit slurred, echoed the concerns of the others.  “What good is the dead skin cell mural of my soulmate in the closet now?” She said.  “I’ve just never seen him like this, and I’m always seeing him.”  The police were contacted immediately following Ms. Cooter’s obsessive statements concerning Mr. Ronaldo.

    Statements and arrest aside, the most peculiar aspect of this ordeal came when Ronaldo returned to his hotel room that night.  Within minutes upon his arrival, according to a timestamp collected from tape, he began to unleash an animalistic fury over Twitter through a barrage of tweets.

    What started out as an understandably apologetic {a tie isn’t a win} sentiment, the tone would shift swiftly towards something wrathful, something dark, something…ancient.

    “THAT GODDAMN MESSI!” Ronaldo tweeted, continuing.  “SO WHAT IF HE SCORED 600 GOALS?!  HAVE PEOPLE FORGOTTEN THAT I HAVE TOO??????  AND HIS POSSESSION SCAM, WHAT A HOAX!!!!!!!”

    Warning: The following tweets may offend religiously sensitive individuals.

    “I’LL SHOW YOU POSSESSION!”  The tweet storm began.  “I, CRISTIANO RONALDO, HEREBY DECLARE MY SOUL AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE BY THE ILLUMINATI.  ANCIENT TRIBE OF THE FORGOTTEN AND FORSAKEN, TAKE OWNERSHIP OVER WHAT I AM OFFERING SO FREELY!”

    The show of madness would only continue.

    “GRANT MY WISH AND COME AT MY BIDDING TO ALLOW ME TO CRUSH THE NAME, IMAGE, AND LEGACY OF LIONEL MESSI ONCE AND FOR ALL!  GRANT ME THINE DARKNESS TO STORM WITHIN THE HALLS OF FOOTBALL GREATNESS WITHOUT CONTENDERS FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!!!”

    Following Ronaldo’s last tweet, the immediate area experienced a power outage which lasted for over six minutes.  In the time since his online assault, Ronaldo has yet to be seen or heard from.